Monday, September 09, 2013

Enemy Within

I would like to say that the Devil made me do it but it was Iddy! She was all, “Write me some Kirk smut.”

So I did.

Be careful what you ask for.

~~Enemy Within

We were at Starfleet Headquarters for a Medal Ceremony that I'd run out of excuses to dodge. In reality, I was trying to avoid Nogura who, if she got within arm's reach, would take me off at the neck. In a last ditch effort to get out of it, I appealed to my dear old friend, Admiral Morrow.

He laughed in my face and made disparaging remarks about my parentage.

"I gotta be there, you gotta be there, plebe," he said and clicked off the comm.

Dress uniforms, rubbery chicken and a lot of hot air from the Admiralty. I hated these things. And because of our most recent mission, I was to return in a few weeks for another one. As she pressed the medal to my chest, Admiral Nogura had murmured, "Pull a stunt like that again, and I'll hand you your ass."

"Sometimes you just have to kick in the door, sir," I said.

"Grow up, Jim," she said, smiling for the camera through clenched teeth.

I have an appointment with her in the morning. She'd already put me on report but apparently wasn't done chewing me out. Chris Pike was the only other Starfleet officer to get both a medal of valor and disciplined for the same action. A small part of me was proud to be in his company.

But Nogura was right. It was a bad example to young Star Fleet officers. I took a huge risk and I'm very, very lucky I didn't get myself killed. Even Bones was shocked into silence, his eyes avoiding mine as he grimly attended my wounds. There was no lecture. He didn't try to hold me in sick bay, just grounded me for a week and released me to my quarters with a few pain pills. In that woozy first day, I roused briefly to the soft purr of a Feinberger and big. warm hands turning me gently so I rested on my side. I’m pretty sure it was Bones. I also had a vague recollection of Spock sitting next to my bunk, his fingers steepled in a meditative pose.

Beyond that, Spock, Bones and I have not spoken beyond terse, daily debriefings.

I gazed around the formal dining room. Sulu and General Golan sat across from me having a somewhat chilling discussion about battle knives. Riley was about to find out the hard way that the fey Ker Ambassador was decidedly male and firmly oriented towards females. Nogura had slipped out before dessert was served and Bones disappeared soon after.

They didn't fool me.

Spock and Uhura stood with Sarek and Amanda. Spock and Sarek waited patiently albeit, with slightly glazed expressions--while the women chatted. I had to drag my eyes from the slit in Uhura's gown.

I shifted in my chair. I was tired and hungry. My shoulder ached. I wanted to yawn but my ribs hurt too much. My left knee was sore. My right ankle throbbed. The area deep beneath my solar plexus itched terribly. I can't even describe what was going on with my back. I started to wish I'd taken one of the pills Bones left for me.

To make matters worse, my cock was hard.

It was a post-traumatic stress response--my hard cock, I mean. I generally deal with PTSS with exercise and solitude. It sometimes left in me excess adrenaline and testosterone that coursed through my blood like old-time rocket fuel. I can burn it out on the heavy bag or put in some hard miles alone on the saucer track. Sleeping a lot helped. On rare occasions however, it kicked my libido into overdrive. I needed sex--specifically, orgasm. Not the healing intimacy of sex with another person, not masturbation. I'm talking about fucking someone until I came. That someone only needed to be a female, and not necessarily of the human species. I would become singularly focused on ejaculating. The fucking was a means to an end. That end was me, days later, exhausted, depleted, myself again. It was the enemy within that sometimes took me to a dark place.

I once confided in Spock and he said simply, "I understand."

I looked over at Uhura again. Two and a half years into the mission and we were just starting to get beyond the commander and officer relationship. She spent a lot of off duty time with Spock. I spent a lot of off duty time with Spock. Our time occasionally overlapped. We weren't quite friends but it was closer than I ever got with a female member of my crew. Usually, whenever I was injured, she dropped by sick bay or my cabin, scolded me for being so reckless, her brow furrowed with concern. I'd brush off her sympathy but I had to admit that I secretly enjoyed her attention. This time, she hadn't visited me in sick bay nor had she inquired of Spock as to my health. He would've told me if she had. During the ceremony, she never even looked in my direction. We've had our disagreements before--that's the nature of a good command team. This was different. She was very angry with me. But I didn't care. The stressed and traumatized part of me only wanted to fuck her and come inside her. I looked away.

I squirmed in my seat trying to reposition my erection. So far, my pain kept my libido somewhat at bay but now my pain was losing that battle. I had to get out of here. Now. I had an old friend on sex standby but she was only available until 0100 hours. It was 2350 now. With luck, I could be at her place in ten minutes. She was strong and flexible and could do most of the …work. Two hours of athletic sex might take the edge off; after which, I could pop one of Bone's pills and hopefully put my raging id to sleep.

I rose slowly and walked painfully over to Spock.

Amanda gasped. "My word, Captain. You look positively awful."

"My wife--," started Sarek.

"It's quite all right, Ambassador," I said. "My chief medical officer said as much before we beamed down."

"He should have made you stay in bed," said Amanda.

"Would that I could've gotten out of this that easily," I said. I turned to Spock. "But bed is exactly where I'm going now."

Spock studied me for a long moment. "I'll assist you," he said.

"I'm fine, Spock. I don't need help," I said. I stared into his dark eyes. He knew that I was lying through my teeth.

"Lt. Uhura, please see that the captain arrives safely at his quarters," he said.

"I really don't need anyone's help Miss Uhura," I said.

"It's no trouble, Captain," said Uhura.

"But--." I tried to raise to my most imposing command posture. It hurt like hell. And it didn't work.
Uhura gave me a flinty glare, her eyes as dark as Spock's. I began to rethink my desire to be alone with her. I didn't need another broken bone.

"Dr. McCoy's orders were to see you turned in early, sir," said Uhura, nodding toward the exit.

"Mr. Spock."

"Goodnight, sir," said Spock. His tone was severe, his body stiff.

I looked from one to the other. It suddenly occurred to me that Spock and Uhura might be more than just music recital partners.

"You are outnumbered, Captain," said Sarek.

"Apparently," I said. "Good evening, Ambassador. Lady Amanda."

Uhura gripped my elbow and propelled me toward the exit. On the way out, I had to lean against her for support. I refused to use the cane Bones gave me. I had to stop for a moment at the door to brace myself against another spasm of pain. I exhaled slowly through my nose. Uhura held me by the arm.

"Can you make it, sir?" she asked.

I looked at her face and that small frown of concern was back. The perfume she was wearing had a subtle spicy fragrance, like cloves or anise -- a scent I normally associated with Spock. I could feel the side of her breast against my arm. Even through all of this pain, I couldn't stop myself from wondering how I could work this to my advantage with Uhura. I glanced back. Spock was watching. He took a step forward.

"Yes, yes. I can make it, Miss Uhura," I said.

Outside at the transporter site, Uhura and I stood apart. She flipped open her communicator and called the ship.

"You smell really good," I said and immediately felt foolish. "Uh, maybe Spock should escort me to--," I began.

She turned to me. "Two to beam up," she said.


Uhura stepped off the transporter dais and stood at the door. I limped down the stairs, trying not to wince.

Scotty stood by the controls, hands on hips.

"Need any help?" he asked, not moving an inch to assist me.

"No, Scotty. I think I can make it," I said.

He retrieved a padd from the console. "Department reports, sir," he said.

I held out my hand but he gave it to Uhura instead. Uhura gripped the padd tightly at her side.

"Nothing that can't wait until tomorrow, Captain," said Scotty.

I opened my mouth, closed it, decided to let it go.

"Very well, Mr. Scott. Goodnight."

"Aye," said Scotty. He fiddled with the console, not looking up.

Uhura walked through the door ahead of me without waiting to see if I followed.

Dangerous stunt or not, I was starting chafe at all the subtle chastisement from my senior staff. I am the Captain. I make the decisions and I am not bound to explain myself to my crew, regardless of the closeness of our relationship. This is not a democracy. It was time to remind them of that. I frowned at Uhura's stiff back. Her gown was made of some shimmery red fabric that clung to her curves and plunged to her waist in the back, leaving a lot of skin exposed--a lot of smooth, brown skin. I watched the muscles in her back flex as she walked down the corridor and entered my quarters.

I stood uncertainly at the door of my own cabin. I peered in. She was standing at my desk. She carefully placed the padd on the far side of the computer. The fabric of her dress shifted over her skin as she straightened. I clenched my fists against a surge of lust. I could see that she was still angry but I was emotionally disconnected from anything she might be feeling.

Her eyes flicked over my shoulder at the sound of voices coming down the corridor.

"You'd better come in," she said.

I fought the urge to reach out and grab her breasts. I actually took a step forward before I stopped myself. The door swished shut behind me. I walked slowly over to the partition that separated the sleeping alcove from the living area. I leaned my hip against the half-wall, laced my fingers through the lattice and held on. To my credit, I kept my eyes from drifting lower than her chin.

She fingered the small bottle pain pills. "You should take one of these," she said.

That was the last thing I wanted to do. Those pain pills could kill the boner on a Rigellian water beast. As troublesome as these spells were, I did rather enjoy them -- as did the friend who was waiting for me. I felt a warm, fluttery, slightly painful tightness in my balls that had nothing to do with my injuries. I resisted the urge to glance at my chronometer projection.

"I'll take one after a hot shower," I said. That was actually the truth. "You've seen me safely to my quarters, lieutenant," I said. "You are dismissed." I smiled, waiting for her to leave. I wanted—needed--to go back to the transporter room, beam out and go get my dick sucked.

Uhura didn't move. In fact, she stared me down.

I had enough of this.

"I did my job, Nyota" I said. "I took a risk. It worked out."

She nodded. "A very big risk," she said.

"Once the Enterprise was out of danger, I had to go back."

"I know."

"All those people -- I couldn't. I had to go back."

"I know, Jim."

That was the first time she'd ever addressed me by my first name. I a bit taken aback but I was on a self-righteous roll. "I'm not sorry for what I did and I need my senior staff to knock off the judgment."

"You scared us, that's all."

I took a deep breath that hurt very much. "I'm sorry if I scared you," I said. I wasn't. Not really.

"Until the next time," she said.

"Until the next time, yes," I said.

I risked another deep breath. Holding myself upright was increasingly painful. I grimaced.

"You're tired. Go to bed," she said.

Kind words, finally.

"I will," I said.

I glanced at the chronometer. If I left now, I could still get in a little over an hour with my friend. I was actually glad that I came back to my quarters. It was probably better that I didn't show up in my dress uniform.

I thought Uhura would leave if I ignored her. I turned my back and stepped into my sleeping alcove. I gripped the hem of my jacket. I couldn't manage to raise it above my navel.

"Would you like me to help you?" asked Uhura.

"No. I got it." My ribs screamed and that itchy spot beneath my solar plexus throbbed once, ominously. I lowered my arms carefully. I turned back to her. "Yes, please," I said. "Thank you."

She walked over, the slit in her dress sliding open. One thigh was bared nearly to the hip. She stood close, our bodies touching lightly from chest to knees. She had to feel my erection against her belly. I moved a fraction of an inch away. She started removing the medals from my jacket. She'd dusted sparkly stuff on her shoulders and across her collar bones. I stared at her skin, fascinated.

"You're going to put out an eye with these, trying to pull it over your head," she said.

I could feel the soft scratch of her nails through the fabric. I shivered. She dangled the newest medal from her fingertips, watching it gleam dully in the low light.

"You could've been killed," she whispered, placing the medal in a box that held a jumble of my other medals.

"Ahem. I should probably get uh, Yeoman What's Her Name to sort those," I said quietly.

Uhura slowly unfastened my jacket, starting at the bottom.

"You could've been killed," she said, again.

"I'm sorry," I said. "Just-- please. No lecture. I can't take it tonight, ok?"

"Don't tell me what to do."

Just when I thought my dick couldn't get any harder. "Oh," I said. "I see."

"Shut up and relax."


She ran her hands up my chest and into my hair. Her hands were soft and warm.

I shut up but I was far from relaxed.

She tugged on my hair and I let my head loll with the motion. She pushed my jacket off my shoulders and moved her hands over my body, gently probing the vast bruise that draped over my left shoulder. My torso was bumped and ridged with welts of regenerated tissue over shallow wounds. Her feather-light touch hurt but I didn't flinch. Flinching was painful.

"Your beautiful skin," she whispered.

"They'll disappear in a few days," I said. My head was spinning. I wanted her to leave. I needed her to leave.

She stared into my eyes and I knew what she was offering. I closed my eyes and swallowed.

"I can't," I said.

"You can't?"

"No. Yes! I...can. It's just that it--."

"Will it hurt too much?"

"Yes. No. I mean, I can but--. Wait. What are you asking?"

"Do I need to spell it out, Jim?"

She pressed her lips against the tender, pink wound just below my left nipple. It was a near-fatal injury; oddly, the least painful of all the others. Bones had only sealed the edges together and not covered it with synthskin after surgery. It will be a ragged, circular scar--a reminder from the doctor.

Fair enough.

"Nyota, I don't think this--."

"Shh. Let me help," she said.

I was powerless against my pain and the hot lust that replaced the blood in my veins. I needed to find something outside of myself to stop this.

"Spock," I said. It was all I could think of to say.

Uhura leaned back, her hands resting lightly on my chest. She waited for me to go on.

"Aren't the two of you ... together?" I asked.

"Together. Yes."

My heart seemed to seize for a moment. "Then I don't understand why you're here."

"I know what you need."

"What? H-how?"

She smiled softly. "You think I don't know this about you, Jim? I've been three feet away from you everyday for over two years. I know you. I can feel you, sometimes."

I thought about the aftermath of my battle with the Gorn captain, Ssizzeen. We were in deep space and I had nowhere to go for release. For three days, Spock sparred with me in the gym. He thumped me hard, twice with the bludgeon end of a lirpa before I came to my senses.

I turned my face to the side and flushed darkly.

"Let me help," said Uhura.

She took my hand and slid it under the slit in her dress. My hand traveled up the smooth curve of her hip. I shuddered.

"This won't end the way you want it to, Uhura," I said.

"Let me be the judge of that."

She hooked the waistband of my pants with a finger and backed further into my sleeping alcove, tugging me along. She surprised me when she shifted our direction away from the bed and ended with my back against the far wall. She unhooked the tab of my pants and opened the fly. She slid her hands into my briefs and grasped my cock. My breath hitched in my chest.

"Am I hurting you?" she asked.

"It's the only thing on my body that doesn't hurt."

"Would you like to lie down?" she asked.

Standing, lying, either was uncomfortable. I felt like all of my bones were breaking. I exhaled softly, riding the wave of pain in my lower back. A light sweat broke out all over my body.

"I'm okay standing," I said.

"Turn around," she said.


"Face the wall."

I raised my hands to my chest, palms out. "Wait," I said.

"Hands against the wall."

She gently turned me toward the wall with her hands on my shoulders. Her breath was warm on the back of my neck. I pressed my hands to the wall. Her breasts were soft against my back. She pulled my pants down to my hips, reached around and grasped my sex with both hands. I rested my forehead against the wall and closed my eyes. I was beyond able to put a stop to this. To be perfectly honest, my will left me when I stepped of the transporter dais.

"Tell me what you want," she said.

My cock pulsed in her hands.

"Nyota," I moaned.

"Tell me what you need, Jim."

"I need--. I need to --."

"What, my love?"

For a moment, I wasn't sure I heard her correctly. This was not going to end well.

"I want to--I don't think --."


"I want to come," I whispered.

"Tell me again."

"Oh, God, Nyota. I need to come."

"You saved them."


"All of those people, Jim. You saved them."

I opened my eyes. "Not all of them."

"You did enough."

"Maybe." I turned from the wall. "Nyota. We have to stop."

"Why? You don't stop. You never stop." She turned me back to the wall and slowly levered my pants down with one hand. "You don't stop. I won't stop."

"That's not fair. You know I can't do that. I won't stop being the captain."

"Then I won't stop either." She knelt and pulled my pants from my ankles.

I was naked now. Nyota lightly stroked me with both hands, rubbing her thumb over and over the head of my cock. I gritted my teeth against that dark force within me. I wanted to fuck her but I didn't want to scare her. I tried to turn around.

"Keep your hands on the wall, Jim."

"You don't know what you're doing to me."

"I do know. I can feel it." She squeezed me--hard.

I laughed out a moan. "Oh, God."

I felt her move away from me.

"Turn around," she said.

I told myself not to frighten her but I turned and saw her kneeling on the deck. Her lips were moist and slightly parted and I was undone. To my eternal shame, there was nothing tender in what I did next. I gave no thought to how it might end.

I cupped the back of her head with my hands and shoved my cock into her mouth. Deep. I pulled out and did it again. And again. I closed my eyes. I couldn't look at her. But I didn't stop. Common sense and good judgment had fled me, just as it did on that planet three days ago. I pumped my hips and thrust hard. I had a fleeting thought that I might be hurting her but that darkness took over. I told myself that she would bite me if I was hurting her. She didn't bite down but I don't know if I could have -- would have-- stopped if she did. I came in her mouth with hard, painful spasms that slammed my back into the wall, my fingers twined tightly in her hair.

My cock was still hard in her mouth when I felt her prying my fingers from the back of her head. Only then did I open my eyes. She looked up at me and pulled back, slowly sliding me out of her mouth. I shuddered from pain or pleasure; I couldn't tell which.

"I'm sorry," I gasped. "Nyota. I'm so sorry I did that to you."

"You didn't do anything I didn't allow."

"Still..." I looked down at her. I reached out to help her up but the pain in my back locked me in place.

"Please stand," I pleaded.

"I don't think we're finished here," she said.


She gave my erection a wry look. My face burned. I couldn't speak. She was right. I was far from finished.

"Please stand up, Nyota." I said.


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